Almost there.

As I sit here and write this, I am in LAX with only about one third of my trip completed. It is now approximately 1:30pm Hawai’i time, and I have been awake since 4:00am in order to catch my 6:45am flight from Hawai’i to Los Angeles. I will not reach my final destination at Oxford University for, at minimum, another fourteen hours. How strange. The fact that I will be spending the next five months studying at Oxford and traveling Europe seems like some distant dream to me. I feel as if I should not be sitting here at Gate 74, waiting for my flight to Heathrow, but should instead be walking down to baggage claim where Sarah, or Aaron, or maybe Sean will drive up to welcome me with open arms and bring me to APU.

My decision to go to Oxford was sudden and quite last-minute. I missed the application due date by weeks and was not even remotely considering going to England this semester. But I guess we all know, to some extent, that things do not typically turn out the way we plan them.

I find it sort of strange that I do not feel more excited, or nervous, or scared, or something right now. In fact, I haven’t really felt any emotion about the upcoming semester for the past month or two I have known I was going. Because I studied abroad last semester, living in South Central LA with a host family for four months, I was unable to attend any meetings or be introduced to other students who are also going. I do not know where I am living. I do not know anyone there. I do not know what classes (tutorials) I will be taking. I do not even know what college within Oxford University I will be a part of.

Everything feels surreal. I feel like I am in some strange in-between state in my life right now. I am at a point where I am still trying to process and comprehend all of the intense, life-changing, difficult things I experienced and learned last semester in inner city L.A. Yet, for the past three weeks in Hawai’i I also felt unsettled and out of place. Because my college experience has been so unusual and I find myself constantly moving from one place or “home” to another, it has become increasingly difficult for me to see any place I occupy as anything other than something temporary. From Azusa to Los Angeles to Hawaii to Yosemite to London, I am constantly moving from one temporary place to another. And though my life has been radically changed by each of these experiences, it has become more difficult for me to feel emotional about or invested into these new experiences and places because I subconsciously find myself thinking of them simply as temporary things. But maybe this is a good thing. After all, I suppose it is necessary to see the temporary nature of things on this earth in order to begin to see things from an eternal or heavenly perspective.

However, my prayer as I begin this new part of my life in Europe is that I will somehow manage to be wholly present during my experiences there. I pray I will take advantage of every opportunity and experience Europe to its fullest. I am absolutely certain this is where God wants me to be this semester. There were far too many miracles that occurred in order to get me here for that to be untrue. So, here I am, off on another plane, to another continent, to begin another adventure. 

Comfort.

God has been speaking to me a lot about comfort lately. I am strongly considering changing my major from Applied Health (with an Art minor) to Sociology (with an Art and English minor). It is all so strange and sudden to me. Had you asked me even a month ago if I would ever consider changing my major from Applied Health, I would have confidently answered no. Yet, here I am, merely weeks later, with a head full of questions and doubts. God tends to work this way in my life. Just when I think I have my life all figured out, God comes and turns all my plans upside down.

The main reason I am strongly considering switching my major from Applied Health to Sociology has a lot to do with comfort. Even more specifically, it has to do with the dangers of comfort. The medical field has always been the "easy" way out for me. Sometimes I almost feel as if I chose to pursue the medical field simply because of things people told me growing up, or because my mother is in that field of work. It would be the comfortable route for me to take in life. But that is not at all what I want. Looking back on my life, I now realize the greatest times, and the times I felt most alive in God, have been when I was pushed out of my comfort zone. High Sierra is a perfect example of this. I could not have been more out of my comfort zone in that situation, and yet, that semester was probably the four best months of my life.

Comfort is such a deceptive and dangerous thing. In America, comfort is looked at as something positive, something desired. Yet, it is so easy to turn to the wrong things for comfort. Many people turn to money, material possessions, bodily safety, or job security as "comforting." We are deceived! Jobs can be lost, material possessions can be taken, our bodies are so fragile. There is no safety found in any of these things. Safety is truly found in God alone. Nothing else lasts, nothing else matters. We must stop deceiving ourselves.

So, back to my major. I do not want to choose the "safe" route in life! I want to travel. I want to follow God to the ends of the earth. I want to use my life in the absolute most effective way for Christ's kingdom. I love people and I love serving. It is while I serve others that I feel most alive, as if I am truly doing what God has called me to do. I love hearing about people's lives, the experiences they've had and the things they've gone through. There is so much oppression and injustice in this world. I am certain there is so much more than I am even aware of. It is painful for me to think about. I want to change this. As much as my one little life possibly can, I want to fight social injustices and help those who are hurting, alone, oppressed. What does this mean? What does this look like? Honestly, I have no idea. All I know is I want to serve and love as Jesus did. I want to see the world and the different people, cultures, and places God has created.

Yet, a part of me is absolutely terrified to switch majors. I do not even really know why. College majors are so overrated. And I am not even very attached to Applied Health. Don't get me wrong, I like the science classes I am taking. I think I am scared that people will be disappointed in me. I fear they will simply think I am switching from a major where I am guaranteed a good, well-paying job to one where there is no stability or guarantees. Yet, that is the beauty of it for me! I know God will take care of me. Money is not something I need to worry about. I do not want to choose a major simply for monetary or security reasons. I want to choose a major because it is the place where I will learn most, grow, and best serve God.

So, Sociology? Applied Health? I honestly do not know. But there is something beautiful about not knowing. It pushes me to go to God more, to rely solely on Him. So God, it is up to you. Lead me where you will have me. Help me to take risks! I do not want to get stuck living a "comfortable" life. I want to LIVE.