Me and God

I was talking to our LA Term counselor, Heather, on Friday and she asked me a question I found interesting. I confided in her about how difficult LA Term was for me, and we began discussing why I even decided to do the program to begin with. After some thought, I told her I believed God wanted me to do it. I felt quite strongly about that last semester, and I still believe it.

After hearing this, she said to me simply, “Okay, so you believe God brought you here and called you to do this program. So how is your relationship with God now?”

It was such a sudden and blunt question that I was lost for words for a moment.

It seems like such an obvious and logical question to ask now that I think about it, but for some reason it caught me completely off-guard. Where was my relationship with God? I know God brought me here to spend the semester in LA, but where did that leave Him and me? This question seems especially significant considering I am experiencing such difficulties here.

I have never been as homesick as I have been here. I have never wanted to so genuinely just drop everything I am doing and give up. As I discussed in one of my earlier posts, I have trouble even explaining what is so difficult about this semester for me. But the bottom line is that it simply is. Life is a struggle this semester, and I am trying my best to get through it. I am learning a lot, and I absolutely do not regret doing this program.

So where does this leave God and me? My relationship with God could certainly be better right now. It could also be a lot worse. I feel like I have kind of been putting my relationship with Him on hold for this semester. It is as if I am saying, “Hold on, God. I’ll work on us once LA Term is over. Once my life is good and normal once again.” It’s almost like I don’t even have the energy to work on my relationship with God, because I always feel so drained and tired from the daily struggles of LA Term. This, of course, is not exactly the greatest approach to take, but it is the one I realize I have subconsciously chosen for most of my semester here in LA thus far.

It scares me that I can so easily push God away like that when life gets a little rough. Why is it so easy for me to tell God “later”? What scares me even more than losing my faith is keeping my faith but remaining stagnant in it.

As C.S. Lewis once said, “Christianity, if false, is of no importance and if true is of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.”

If not now, when? When will I once again devote myself to cultivating my relationship with the one I love? When praying about this earlier, God asked me what is going to happen if I feel the same way at Oxford next semester. What if I struggle there too? What if I get terribly homesick? Will I simply put my relationship with Him on hold once again? I told Him no. I won’t feel the same way because I know I will be able to see Him a lot more clearly in the beauty and charm of London. I cannot imagine going there and not seeing Him in the plethora of beautiful, artistic, magical places in Oxford.

After my explanation, God’s only response was, “Well, you have to learn to be able to see me in the city, also.”

It frustrates me that I haven’t quite figured this out yet. And it’s not that I haven’t seen God at work here, because I certainly have. Yet, it is simply different. I have not seen Him in the usual places I see Him, such as in the sound of ocean waves crashing on the shore or the sight of snow capped mountains in the Sierras. Instead, I have seen God in the face of a homeless friend who offered us his umbrella on a rainy day. I have seen Him in the eyes of a carwash worker as he told his story of workplace abuse and wage theft. I have seen Him in the kind and gentle words of an elderly, crippled man at the bus stop.

I am seeing God in the city, but I need to learn to also walk with Him throughout life in the city. I have no idea how to change this, but my first step will simply be to pray. My prayer is for God to change my heart and my attitude. It is to ask God to hold my hand throughout all of this, even when I draw my hand back or try to push Him away. I pray He will lead me through this city and complete the work He is doing in my life. I pray that in this vast and hectic city, I will find God and I will find hope.

Daydreaming

Listen . . .
Ocean rumblings
Fade into horns honking
And humans fussing; wake up! You're
Still here.

The Valley of the Shadow of Death

Before coming to LA, I had heard from several different students that LA Term was a difficult experience. I had witnessed people come back from the semester hurt, doubtful, bitter, changed. After getting through the first couple of weeks in L.A. without much difficulty or pain, I thought maybe my experience would be different. I began to think back to my semester at High Sierra in Yosemite and to think that maybe this semester would be another amazing 4 months in my life as that semester had so clearly been. 


I am now moving into my eighth week of life in Los Angeles, and it is definitely getting more difficult. No, I am not miserable. No, I do not cry all the time or regret doing LA Term. I still laugh, I still have joy, I am still thankful. But at the same time, I don't think this will be an experience in my life I look back on as extraordinary or "one of the greatest experiences of my life." 


It is difficult to explain why I feel this way or what is so difficult about the semester, especially if you have not experienced it. I sometimes feel ridiculous even explaining why I'm struggling with this semester to others. LA sounds exciting and wonderful, and to some extent it is. In fact, many other students doing this program with me are loving it. After all, what could be so hard about living in a great city like Los Angeles, eating amazing Mexican food every day, living with a lovely and hospitable family, spending time with sixteen other wonderful APU students, seeing spectacular art, Broadway plays, hearing great music, and experiencing city life in one of the greatest cities on earth for a semester, right?  But different people have different experiences.


I can't quite even explain what has been so challenging about the semester. Maybe it is the lack of stability I feel. Plans are always changing, buses are always late, my surroundings continuously change. In just the past 6 months I have moved from APU to Hawaii to L.A., and next semester I will be in England. Part of me loves this, but the other part finds it unsettling. The lack of close community here in LA is also difficult to deal with. Because all of the students here live in different places all around LA and we must all go our separate ways at the end of class, my community basically consists of my roommate, Sarah, and my 9 year old host sister, Stephy. Or maybe my struggle lies in the homesickness that plagues my mind at various, sporadic moments. I miss the safety and comfort of being at home in Hawaii. I have a full week off for Thanksgiving break, and I want nothing more than to be able to go home, to escape from the stress and hardships of the city. I want to eat turkey and pumpkin pie with my family, to decorate my home with sparkling Christmas lights, to sit on the sandy beach and look out into the peaceful, melodic ocean. This is where my mind has been wandering over the past few weeks, until suddenly I drift back into reality and find myself sitting on a dark subway watching a homeless man being shunned by others, or sitting in a classroom listening to discussions of another terrible injustice within the city, or walking on a sidewalk and hearing yet another cat call. 

LA Term is difficult, and I am certainly struggling, but I am thankful I am here. I am thankful I have a roommate and friend who is having a similar experience. I am thankful other students here are having an amazing experience and loving the city, because this shows me the goodness and beauty of the city. It is not a bad place, it is a beautiful place. I am learning, and through the difficulties I am growing. Yes, I will be relieved when this experience is over and I have finished this part in my life, but I would not change my experience for another. God has me going through these things for a purpose and a reason. I know He is good, and I know He loves me. Because of this, I will persevere. 


"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever."

-Psalm 23

And off to Oxford I go..

Well, it looks like I will be spending next semester studying at Oxford University in England! Oh, how plans change.

How did this decision come about? Since freshman year, I had always planned on studying at Oxford during the fall of my junior year. Last semester I applied and was accepted into the program, but obviously God changed my plans a bit since I am now here in inner city L.A. doing LA Term. Once I had decided to do LA Term this semester, I planned to do the Oxford Semester next fall (of my senior year) instead. But a few weeks ago, the idea to go to Oxford next semester was suddenly planted in my head. My best friend, Sean, told me he is most likely going to be going to Lithuania next semester, meaning that if I went to Oxford in the fall we would be apart for 1.5 years. This is what sparked the idea in my mind to go to Oxford next semester instead.

However, soon after I began considering this, I discovered that the deadline to apply to the program had passed a week earlier. Because of this, I decided to drop the idea of going next semester and just apply to go next fall as I had previously planned. Yet I simply could not get the idea to go next semester out of my head. I regretted not thinking about the possibility earlier. Though I had already been accepted into the program last semester, they had told me several times that if I wanted to go at a later point in time I would need to completely reapply to the program; they could not defer my application. I talked to a few friends about it, and every one of them thought going in the spring would be a better idea. This way, I could spend my entire senior year on campus rather than continuously moving on and off campus as I have been doing.

By this time, it was about 2 weeks after the final deadline to apply to the program had passed. I considered emailing the Oxford Study Abroad program coordinator to ask if they would possibly consider allowing me to apply even though the deadline had already passed, but I was unsure this was even a reasonable possibility. And I wanted to be absolutely sure I wanted to go next semester before sending out an email.

So, I prayed. I told God that if I am supposed to go to Oxford next semester, then He really needs to make it clear to me and somehow open the door for me to do so (because at that point, I didn't see much of a possibility). So I prayed, and a couple of friends prayed for me. And guess what?? God answered.

The next day, I received an email from the Oxford Program coordinator saying that they still have my application and they want to offer me the opportunity to go to Oxford next semester if I am still interested. All I had to do was resubmit a paper requesting which classes I want to take. I had not emailed her about going, or even told her I was interested. She just emailed me out of the blue the day after I asked God to open the door. I tried to reason out the cause of this miracle. I thought maybe there were a low number of applicants and they just desperately needed students to go next semester, but I found out that there were many applicants and people who got denied the opportunity to go. So, why me? I have no idea. I believe this is God telling me to go. And I feel at peace about the decision. Sean may or may not even end up going to Lithuania next semester, but it isn't really about that anymore. Maybe that was just the circumstance I needed to prompt me in the direction or spark the idea in my mind. I prayed God would open the door if He wanted me to go, and He pushed the door wide open without me so much as lifting a hand. He never ceases to surprise me and mix up my life plans. And so, off to Oxford I go.

In This City That I Love

Never in a million years would I have thought I would spend a semester studying and living in inner city LA, let alone actually want to be here. And never would I have thought I would even be able to get into the program with all the various circumstances and things working against me. But after God told me at the end of last semester that I would be doing LA Term, I knew great things lay ahead.

My home in South Central LA              

Part of my new LA family:)

And as it turns out, God was right. I needed this semester. I have only been living here for three weeks, and already I know my life is changing daily. My eyes are being opened, and God is slowly replacing my selfish heart with His compassionate heart. My heart is breaking for this city, and yet it is this same city that  gives me an unexplainable hope and joy. Every stereotype I have ever been told and believed about this place has been broken in the past three weeks. I have met the kindest, most beautiful people in this city. I found love in the young man who kindly approached two lost and confused young girls and spent a significant amount of time pointing them in the right direction, quickly leaving before even accepting a simple "thank you." I found goodness in the Middle Eastern man who went out of his way to walk us an entire block to the store we were searching for. I found beauty in the contagious smile of Raul, a homeless man in our neighborhood who was God's answer to my earlier prayers. I have found such love and hospitality in this city. I have seen God in the faces of the residents, and everywhere I look I see His mighty hand at work.

My host sister :)

                                                

Griffith Park Observatory

Yet, with the beauty of this city I have also found despair. A homeless man walked onto the Metro with a box of his personal items the other week. Before he had even set the box down, the train driver stood up and looked at him, almost as if she were expecting him to do something wrong. As he set his box down in front of the conductor's door, she immediately told him to move it. He automatically and silently moved it, the pain and destroyed dignity evident in his movements. He sat on the box, and after a moment he looked around the crowded Metro and asked, "Where is this train going?" Silence. Again, he looked around and asked, "Where is this train going?" Again, silence. As Sarah later described it, he looked like a dog who had been cruelly beaten and whipped one too many times. Though he was looking around, desperately longing for acknowledgement, not one person dared even look into his eyes. Finally, a woman about five or six rows back answered him. I was in utter shock. I wanted to shout an answer to his question from my seat farther back on the Metro. I wanted to apologize for the outright cruelty of every person who looked away. I wanted to cry and cry and demand for God to tell me how that could happen. I wanted to scream at those people, and I wanted to run up to the man and hug him and plead for his forgiveness for every person there. This scene will never fade from my memory, this I know. It was the first time I truly and helplessly felt despair in this city.

Hike near the Hollywood sign

With these moments of utter pain, followed by moments of pure joy and gratitude, you can imagine how emotional and difficult this semester has been so far. I am learning and I am growing, but it has by no means been easy. Yet, in the end, hope and joy has conquered the pain i feel. I still have moments where I feel helpless and simply want to sit and cry in God's arms, but I persevere on. I remind myself that I need to experience these things. I must understand and experience these feelings of despair and pain, because these are things God Himself is all too familiar with. He cries and longs for His hurting and beloved children in this world. His heart broke and tears fell from His eyes as He watched His one and only Son humiliated and murdered on a cross. It has been my longtime prayer for God to "break my heart for the people and things that break His," and that is what He is doing. In this city, I have found tragedy and suffering, but even more so I have found an ever increasing hope. And it is to this hope that I am helplessly and desperately grasping on to in this beautiful city.

Day 4-Manta Ray tickets!

For literally the entire summer, I have been dying to swim with Manta Rays, something I have heard is one of the most thrilling and amazing experiences of a lifetime. And Kona is the perfect place to do it. The only thing that has kept me back was my uneasiness about swimming out and attempting it myself, and my reluctance to pay the large expense for going out to do it on one of the boats (between $75-$100 per person). Of course, I asked God to make it somehow possible for me to do it. And guess what? He answered.

Seriously, it was like He just handed me the tickets to do the Manta Ray snorkel trip just because He wanted me to be happy, He wanted to see me smile and be excited. And I am! After a strange series of "coincidences," (which included a random phone call, a food bank can drive, and the generosity of the owner of Jack's Diving Locker) I somehow ended up with 3 free tickets to do the Manta Ray snorkel dive (worth $100 each). It's pretty awesome to have God on your side. So now, next Monday, Sarah, my sister, and I will be out swimming with beautiful creatures that can be up to 25 ft. in size. Life is good. God is wonderful. Praise Him.

Quote of the day # 2

"If we don't change the direction we are headed we will end up where we are going."

Serve

"It is within my power to either serve God or not to serve him. serving him, i add to my own good and the good of the whole world. not serving him, i forfeit my own good and deprive the world of that good, which was in my power to create."


-Leo Tolstoy

Word from God

At the Thursday Night Meeting God told a friend to pray this over me: That "the righteousness of God's Word would sweep through me." I am not fully certain what it means, but I am sure going to try and find out.

Remember this:

Remember that above all else, God loves you and wants to save you. If you do not look at everything else in light of this, you are confused.

---

Lord, help me to remember these truths: You love me, and You want to save me. Sometimes even the simplest and most basic truths are the hardest to come to grips with.

I am a sinner.

"You are a sinner, a great, desperate sinner; now come, as the sinner that you are, to God who loves you. He wants you as you are; He does not want anything from you, a sacrifice, a work; He wants you alone. 'My son, give me thine heart' (Prov. 23:26). God has come to you to save the sinner. Be glad! This message is liberation through truth. You can hide nothing from God. The mask you wear before men will do you no good before Him. He wants to see you as you are, He wants to be gracious to you. You do not have to go on lying to yourself and your brothers, as if you were without sin; you can dare to be a sinner. Thank God for that."

-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Quote of the day.

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." - Dr. Howard Thurman

My scholarship got renewed. :)

I have been praying (and, I'm not going to lie, worrying) for the past couple of weeks that one of my scholarships would be renewed for this upcoming year. This particular one is only for $3,000, but believe it or not that makes a large difference. Today I got the letter in the mail. My application for its renewal was approved. Thank you, Lord. Why do I bother worrying? You are a God who provides.

Love you so.

-Kimberley

Please let this be true.

"Polaroid Press Release: Supported by a strategic relationship with Summit Global Group, a longtime Polaroid partner, and The Impossible Project, the manufacturer of classic film for Polaroid film cameras, Polaroid will offer a completely redesigned, modern version of the Polaroid OneStep camera, the PIC 1000. The PIC 1000 will be available in a range of fun colors and use classic Polaroid Color 600 Instant Film to produce the brand’s classic white border instant pictures. The Polaroid Color 600 Instant Film will work with both classic and new Polaroid cameras and will be offered in packs of 10 pictures. The new classic PIC 1000 camera and instant color film will be available at national retailers in 2010."

Thankful.

Sometimes I get those moments. Those moments when I am overwhelmed with thankfulness for the many blessings in my life. Moments where my heart tells my head exactly what it's feeling. Today I had one of those moments. Except, it was more of one specific thing I was suddenly thankful for, rather than many.

Thank you, sister, for being one of those incredible people in my life who gives me even more reason to lift my hands in praise to God. You are completely crazy, but no one knows me as well or makes me laugh as much as you do. You are a joy in my life, and I love you.

---

Lord, thank you for the many blessings in my life. Remind me of these things daily so I can better live a life of praise and gratitude to You. Love you so.

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change."

-James 1:17

Life.

The whole life of a Christian should be nothing but praises and thanks to God; we should neither eat nor sleep, but eat to God and sleep to God and work to God and talk to God, do all to His glory and praise.
—Richard Sibbes

I am.

"I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be. I am not what I hope to be. But still, I am not what I used to be. And by the grace of God, I am what I am."
John Newton

When I grow up, I want to:

1) Have a garden with vegetables, fruit trees, berries, herbs, and lots of pretty flowers.
2) Have a cute little pug
3) Cook a lot
4) Go on walks with someone special
5) Travel. Everywhere.
6) Learn to play the piano better
7) Give.
8) Always have flowers in the house
9) Drink lots of tea
10) Sit on the beach and talk with God
11) Have a fish tank with a school of tiny, bright blue fish
12) Write handwritten letters to people I love
13) Write more in general
14) Still be best friends with my sister
15) Visit people I care about as often as possible
16) See and talk with my parents often
17) Have lots of kids
18) Love art even more passionately than I do now
19) And more...

Call on me, Oh Lord

Nearly every young Christian I know struggles with this question: What is God's calling for my life?

This is a continuous struggle and question in my life.

Today I listened to a young girl, barely older than myself, give this wise advice:

She said that people had always told her that she was great with kids and would make a wonderful teacher. She adores kids. She finds joy in them. She questioned whether becoming a teacher was God's calling on her life or if it was just something that she was making out to be His calling because people had always told her she was good at it.

She realizes now that God's calling is something inside of us, some small part that we simply cannot ignore.  God's calling on our life brings joy/blessings to both ourselves and others. Do not let the enemy convince you that it is just something you have made up in your head. Follow God, and listen to his calling.

---

Lord, let me be aware of your soft voice speaking in my life. Let me discover this beautiful calling you have on my life and follow it passionately.

It took me 20 years to realize . . .

that I honestly live in what is probably the most beautiful place in the world.

Never again will I forget that.

Lord, to You I am eternally thankful.

Coeur de Pirate || Comme des enfants

Love this. 



Coeur de Pirate || Comme des enfants from Dare To Care Records on Vimeo.

I went fishing today . . .

and it was pretty much amazing.

Fishing is terribly addicting. Oh, and I have realized (once again) that I am so blessed with a wonderful family and friends.  My dad made absolute sure we had all the fishing supplies we needed (including going out of his way to buy us a couple of bamboo fishing poles and thoroughly explain fishing techniques to me). My friends are lovely. I could never ask for better ones. And I live in probably the most beautiful place in the world, which it sadly took me nearly twenty years to realize. I pray I never lose sight of how incredibly blessed I am. We must have caught (and released) about a dozen fish (including a puffer fish!). And we hooked a large moray eel several times, but it escaped our grasp. Next time, Mr. Moray. Next time.

Thank you, Lord. I am so blessed.

Liz and I are going to make the absolute most out of this summer . . .

. . . and this is only the beginning of it.

For some reason, this heartfelt and sarcastic article speaks to me and helps me to understand . . .

. . . so here it is:

---

Injustice is part of life

By Steve Kalas

Published: Wednesday, June 16, 2010 10:07 AM HST

Sometimes the Good Guys win, and the Bad Guys are brought to justice. Or, even better, the Bad Guys account for their behavior, express real remorse, resolve to change their behavior and embrace the redemption of a new way of life and relationship. I love redemption stories.

Sometimes The Bad Guys are brought to justice. But not always.

I think of my enemies. My own personal Bad Guys. The list is happily short; unlike the list of People Who Don't Like Me, which I never inventory because it's both dull and irrelevant. Enemies are distinct from mere disaffection, prejudice or antipathy. Enemies are actively toxic. Enemies want to hurt us.

So I look at my list. There are two names. And I shake my head.

Justice? Unlikely. Certainly requests for them to be accountable were scorned. And my efforts to hold them accountable were a "shouting into a snowstorm." In fact, it just made it worse. The only justice I will know is a private, existential exercise of the mind. I derive a kind of satisfaction knowing that these two people have to be themselves for the rest of their lives. Also, I confess no small pride that I have endured the injuries sustained in those relationships and somehow found the freedom to live creatively and happily. Even redemptively.

As they say, the best revenge is living well.

But justice? Accountability? Both of these people would vigorously protest their status as my enemy! They don't have a clue about the wanton damage they did. And maybe that's part of what defines an enemy: Our enemies feel entirely justified in their despicable behavior. I assume the Nazis condemned at Nuremberg went to the gallows feeling misunderstood and unappreciated.

Our enemies won't stop hurting us until they either repent, are brought to justice, capriciously exchange us for another victim ... or we exit.

Ah, exit! Now there's an idea. See, we waste our lives if we insist that every scale of justice is balanced. Likewise if we delude ourselves into thinking it's our job to balance every scale. So, sometimes we surrender the need for justice. We give up the cause. We withdraw from the fray. We exit. And here we discover something truly beautiful: Sometimes injustice gets us exactly where we need to be going.

I think of the great Hebrew saga of The Exodus. Read it. The writer bounces back and forth in describing the role of the enemy, Pharaoh. First, his heart is hard. Then it is God who hardens Pharaoh's heart. So, which is it? Is Pharaoh a jerk? Or does God destine Pharaoh for Jerkdom so that he can get the Hebrew people where they need to be going?

The paradoxical answer is ... yes. If I was Aaron, as soon as everybody got settled in the Promised Land, I would have written Pharaoh a thank-you note:

Dear Pharaoh,

It has been just crazy on our end -- planning Moses' funeral, trying to get unpacked, meeting our new neighbors, etc. But we're finally here.

You are probably surprised to hear from me, and you might be even more surprised to learn the reason for my letter.

We wanted to thank you.

See, we thought you were a hard-hearted jerk. But we were wrong. It turns out that it was God who hardened your heart, because that was the cosmic crowbar required to relinquish our grasp on our own misery and smallness. It's ironic: As much as we bitched about slavery, the truth is slavery is easier than freedom.

You think I'm kidding? You can't believe how whiny these people are! Toward the end of the trek, some of them actually wanted to go back! LOL!

Pharaoh, you played your part to perfection. Thank you. We will never forget you.

If you're ever in Cana, drop by for a bagel.

Sincerely,

Aaron

P.S. None of this means you are not, in fact, a jerk.

My point is not that our enemies deserve a "pass." My point is that we have the power and the freedom to weave even our enemies into the tapestry -- the beautiful and meaningful tapestry -- of our lives.

Every good play requires a protagonist and an antagonist. And, while we don't always decide what happens to us, we are ultimately the playwright of our own lives. We decide how we will tell the story of events and circumstances.

Enemies can inspire our exit. Painful goodbyes, yes. But, those goodbyes open a place for some surprising and unexpectedly beautiful hellos. Injustice sometimes gets us exactly where we need to be going.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling Wellness Center in Las Vegas and the author of "Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing" (Stephens Press). Contact him at skalas@reviewjournal.com.

---

Lord, I have always been aware of the way you speak to me through writing and words, whether it is Yours, someone else's, or my own. I'm not saying I necessarily agree with everything written here, or even really know what it is You are saying to me and want me to do. All I know is that this helps me to understand. I relate to it. I am comforted by it. I am spoken to through it. Within hours after I prayed to you about what I was facing in my own life, this shows up in my path. Thank you.

I want to live.

I want to be more disciplined.

I want to pray and believe God will answer.

I want to understand that perfection is not the ultimate goal.

I want to run.

I want to remember that I am saved by grace, not good behavior.

I want to forgive myself for things of the past.

I want to believe God's grace is sufficient, even for me. 

I want to bless others.

I want to give.

I want to be rid of my doubt.

I want to take action. 

I want to live.

I got the summer internship . . .

literally only by God's grace.

Thanks, God. You are so wonderful.

Can't help but smile at this.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH.

This video never fails to make me smile. Oh, how I miss those three.

Lord, help me to trust...

"We try to set our lives up so everything will be fine even if God doesn't come through. But true faith means holding nothing back. It means putting every hope in God's fidelity to His promises"
-Francis Chan

Valedictorian Speech. Oh, how time does fly...

Today I stumbled across the file on my computer containing my Valedictorian speech from my high school graduation (dating almost exactly two years ago). It brought back many old thoughts and memories. Here it is:

"Class of 2008,

The time has finally arrived and another season in our lives is coming to a close. We are filled with memories from the past and anticipation for the future as the last sentence in this chapter of our lives is being written. As we begin our journey and make our individual marks on the world, we must continuously humble ourselves and remember the purpose we are here for. We are part of a chosen generation, and as we step out into the plans God has for us, it is time to release every doubt, fear, lie, and excuse that holds us back from becoming the people God created us to be. As we continue to follow God and seek Him with all our heart, He will reveal His character to each of us more, because the more we understand who He is, the more we cannot help but adore Him. Always remember that when you are weak, God is strong. When you are faithless, God is faithful. When you fall down, it is He that will pick you up. Amidst our world of evil and destruction, He is the only thing even close to hope. He is the King of Peace on this worrisome and commotion-filled earth. It is my prayer that as each of us steps out into the futures God has for us, He will instill in our hearts and minds wisdom, wisdom that cannot come from a text book or study guide, but only from God. Many times, it is not the big decision that are so important, such as what college we attend or what career we choose, but the small ones we make in our daily lives. It is the little choices that we overlook and take for granted that collectively form the life we live: the decision to do what is right when it is easier to do wrong, to trust that God is faithful when all logic and circumstances tell you not to, to stop and help someone when everyone else keeps walking. If we are going to change the world it is not going to be through fame or wealth, but through the relationships we develop with God and others. To love God an others with everything we have and are it a choice we will have to make daily. Our class is a group of people filled with more intelligence, talent, leadership, and potential than most others can boast about. God has commanded us to glorify Him in everything and to spread His love to the ends of the earth, and He has generously equipped us to do so. To whom much is given much is also asked. Our time on earth is all we are given to prepare for where we will endlessly be beyond the grave. As we each step out into the different plans and futures God has for us, set your gaze completely on the One who is faithful and will never disappoint you. I will conclude by praying a section of Psalm 40 over the class as they begin the exciting journey that awaits them.

'We waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to us and heard our cry. He lifted us out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set our feet on a rock and gave us a firm place to stand. He put a new song in our mouths, a hymn of praise to our God. Many, O Lord our God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were we to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to declare. We desire to do your will, O God; your law is within our hearts. We proclaim righteousness in the great assembly; we do not sea out lips, as you know, O Lord. We do not hide your righteousness in our hearts; we speak of your faithfulness and salvation. We do not conceal your love and your truth from the great assembly. Do not withhold your mercy from us, O Lord; may your love and your truth always protect us. Amen.'

Thank you for your time. Congratulations, Class of 2008!"

Moab 2010.

I cannot believe Spring Break has already come and gone. Last Saturday at 4am (yes, that would be 4 in the morning), I was getting into a van with ten other people about to embark on a wonderful adventure in Moab, Utah. I spent my entire Spring Break week on a backpacking trip with Outdoor Adventures, an organization here at APU. We camped along the Colorado River for the first two nights and hiked through the beautiful Arches National Park, seeing the famous Delicate Arch and Landscape Arch while there. I also saw the Grand Canyon and Rocky Mountains for the first time. For the next five days we backpacked through Canyonlands National Park. We covered approximately 28 miles in those five days, all while each carrying close to 50 pounds of extra weight on our backs. It was challenging, but so completely worth it. The land contained a type of beauty I had never seen before. It looked like we had traveled back many centuries and stepped into prehistoric times. I was in complete awe of what was before me.

Though our time in the back country was challenging, it was also a time of great encouragement for me. The night before I left for the trip I found out I had been accepted into the LA Term study abroad program. I cannot express to you how excited I was about that. But more about that in another post. I also brought Shane Claiborne's book "The Irresistible Revolution" on the trip with me and was reading it a lot during the free time we had out there. It is such a challenging book to read. It makes me feel so uncomfortable, not that this is a bad thing. Thoughts about wealth, comfort, the suffering, the poor, Jesus' commands, and change swirled around in my head every night. When Jesus says to sell all you have and give to the poor, what does that mean? Am I supposed to take that literally? How far does that go? And even if I knew that He whole-heartedly meant it, could I do it? Would I do it? What would my life look like if I took half the things Jesus said seriously? These thoughts are still being tossed back and forth in my mind, trying to find some relief and answers.

Despite all these challenging thoughts, I found a great deal of encouragement through the many times I saw God throughout this trip: in the beautiful scenery, in the celebration of getting into LA Term, in the deliberations and longing in my heart for truth and understanding, in the laughs of the wonderful people in the group. I could not have possibly asked for a better group of people to go on this trip with. I love being around people, and this trip only further reminded me of that. We had so much fun together and laughed at such strange and wonderful things.

On a side note, something interesting I noticed on this trip was how quickly you adapt to life in the wilderness once you are put in the situation. When you hear about not taking a shower for a week, having no bathrooms, sleeping on the ground, and eating strange foods, many think there is no way you could happily do that. It is surprisingly not that hard. Sleeping on the ground becomes possible because you are so exhausted from hiking all day. Using the bathroom in the wilderness and not wearing makeup or taking showers seems somewhat more normal when everyone is doing it. And you pretty quickly adapt to the eating conditions. Dirt gets in your food and you eat it anyway (in fact, you use dirt to scrub out your dishes afterwards). You realize that 90% of the foods you are eating probably has trans fats or msg in it and you suddenly don't really care (or maybe you didn't care to begin with). And suddenly, "spam melts" for dinner sounds like a delicacy. Strange.

Overall, the trip was amazing. I would do it again in a heartbeat. Spring Break went by all too fast, and despite how happy I was to take a warm shower and sleep in an actual bed, I was genuinely sad when the trip ended and we were back at APU. The hardest part was leaving the other wonderful people I had grown to know and love over the past week. Even though I see them around campus (and oh, how it brightens my day), I will still miss being stranded out in the wilderness with them and laughing with them around campfires. I am so thankful that I was willing to step out of my comfort zone and have a part in this wonderful experience.

Azusa 101

This past week, from Thursday through Sunday, I went on a four day service-learning trip through the city of Azusa. The object of the Azusa 101 trip is to learn more about the social issues going on within the community and our role in it as APU students. We visited schools, non-profit organizations, churches, the police station, and other various places within the city of Azusa. We stayed with a family the first night and at a local church for the second and third night. It was such an amazing and enlightening experience. I gained such a different perspective on issues ranging from homelessness to the education system to immigration during this trip. I could not believe how much goes on in the city I have been living in for the past two years that I was unaware of. Here is a poem I wrote during and after the trip as a sort of reflection on my thoughts and experiences during Azusa 101. I am not completely satisfied with the poem, and at some point I will likely come back and make changes to it. But for now, here it is.

It’s Easy.

It is easy to voice your intense opposition
Of the law-breaking, foreign immigrant,
To insist on stricter laws in this nation
And across borders with little management,
Until you stare into the face of the man
Who has a family and no money for rent,
Who is shoved, abused, scammed, humiliated,
Desperate for work to provide for three children
But unable to pay the unaffordable fee for new documents,
He is thrown to the streets with his family, unliberated.

It is easy to rebuke the homosexual
For sinful, improper attractions
Which could not possibly be natural,
But choices, decisions, mutilations,
Until you look into the shamed boy’s eyes
Abhorred by his own feelings and life,
Desperate for acceptance and approval
But often the object of looks of despise,
Praying to God to be freed of this strife,
He is abandoned, condemned, left alone in battle.

It is easy to say racism is nonexistent,
A problem of other past communities,
That everyone has the chance to be content
In this land of equal opportunities,
Until you are told by a seven year old girl
That she’s not going to college because she’s brown,
Or the African-American teen
Towards whom hate crimes ruthlessly hurl,
Beautiful faces who, loveless, will drown,
Yet not reason enough to upset life’s routine.

It is easy to ignore these problems
And walk on past towards the American dream,
The white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and sparkling gems,
Money, fashion, power, a continuous stream.
But what about the hurting, helpless, oppressed?
How quickly backs are turned from their struggles,
So easy to continue life in ignorance of the hostility
In society, unwilling to sacrifice, protest,
Step up as God’s beloved, chosen peoples
And care even a little about this hurting humanity.

It is easy to push aside the statistics
Of poverty, homelessness, abuse, violence,
In a hurting world with a surplus of critics,
But no one willing to speak up amidst the silence,
Blind to the faces behind the numbers,
Outraged at increased taxes to relieve
The single, working mother with a sick daughter,
More concerned with my well-being than a stranger’s,
God crying for His children to act and believe
The solution is not violence, but mercy, love, laughter.

Comfort.

God has been speaking to me a lot about comfort lately. I am strongly considering changing my major from Applied Health (with an Art minor) to Sociology (with an Art and English minor). It is all so strange and sudden to me. Had you asked me even a month ago if I would ever consider changing my major from Applied Health, I would have confidently answered no. Yet, here I am, merely weeks later, with a head full of questions and doubts. God tends to work this way in my life. Just when I think I have my life all figured out, God comes and turns all my plans upside down.

The main reason I am strongly considering switching my major from Applied Health to Sociology has a lot to do with comfort. Even more specifically, it has to do with the dangers of comfort. The medical field has always been the "easy" way out for me. Sometimes I almost feel as if I chose to pursue the medical field simply because of things people told me growing up, or because my mother is in that field of work. It would be the comfortable route for me to take in life. But that is not at all what I want. Looking back on my life, I now realize the greatest times, and the times I felt most alive in God, have been when I was pushed out of my comfort zone. High Sierra is a perfect example of this. I could not have been more out of my comfort zone in that situation, and yet, that semester was probably the four best months of my life.

Comfort is such a deceptive and dangerous thing. In America, comfort is looked at as something positive, something desired. Yet, it is so easy to turn to the wrong things for comfort. Many people turn to money, material possessions, bodily safety, or job security as "comforting." We are deceived! Jobs can be lost, material possessions can be taken, our bodies are so fragile. There is no safety found in any of these things. Safety is truly found in God alone. Nothing else lasts, nothing else matters. We must stop deceiving ourselves.

So, back to my major. I do not want to choose the "safe" route in life! I want to travel. I want to follow God to the ends of the earth. I want to use my life in the absolute most effective way for Christ's kingdom. I love people and I love serving. It is while I serve others that I feel most alive, as if I am truly doing what God has called me to do. I love hearing about people's lives, the experiences they've had and the things they've gone through. There is so much oppression and injustice in this world. I am certain there is so much more than I am even aware of. It is painful for me to think about. I want to change this. As much as my one little life possibly can, I want to fight social injustices and help those who are hurting, alone, oppressed. What does this mean? What does this look like? Honestly, I have no idea. All I know is I want to serve and love as Jesus did. I want to see the world and the different people, cultures, and places God has created.

Yet, a part of me is absolutely terrified to switch majors. I do not even really know why. College majors are so overrated. And I am not even very attached to Applied Health. Don't get me wrong, I like the science classes I am taking. I think I am scared that people will be disappointed in me. I fear they will simply think I am switching from a major where I am guaranteed a good, well-paying job to one where there is no stability or guarantees. Yet, that is the beauty of it for me! I know God will take care of me. Money is not something I need to worry about. I do not want to choose a major simply for monetary or security reasons. I want to choose a major because it is the place where I will learn most, grow, and best serve God.

So, Sociology? Applied Health? I honestly do not know. But there is something beautiful about not knowing. It pushes me to go to God more, to rely solely on Him. So God, it is up to you. Lead me where you will have me. Help me to take risks! I do not want to get stuck living a "comfortable" life. I want to LIVE.

Wish Upon a Dream

I have stumbled across another poem I wrote while studying at High Sierra last Spring. Although I have always been such a logical minded person, I have come to discover there lies a dreamer within me. This poem is but a glimpse of this dreamer inside.


Standing in this vast and opportune world,
My mind ponders past hopes and future dreams
Wondering where my life will next be hurled,
And knowing what results is what God deems.
I look up and wish upon a lone star,
Asking for a life of love, beauty, joy;
More than the stars in the glorious sky
The dreams in my young and hopeful heart are,
Some live exposed while others remain coy,
And yet their presence I cannot deny.

Dreams both vast and small lay amidst my soul,
In hope of emerging and coming true;
Oh, beautiful, boundless dreams to console
And comfort victims in need of rescue,
To dance among flowers of the meadows
And to freely sing the tune of my heart,
To fill a dark world with laughter and love
And shoot the scorned with Cupid’s sharp arrows,
To speak the unspeakable through my art
And bring true delight to the King above.

Only through Him can these dreams be achieved,
And only through grace will this hope remain;
Will my heart’s desires soon be relieved?
And which dreams will I lose or retain
Here in a life that seems but a moment?
And so now I will continue twirling
Down the path that is narrow and straight
Grasping hope of dreams fulfilled, being patient
At this stage of not reaping, but sowing;
As for now, in this heart my dreams shall wait.

Time Will Not Remain Await

High Sierra, Spring 2009


Further distractions will soon captivate
These unfixed eyes and heart I lack in Thee.
Be not fooled, time will not remain await.

Hypnotized by meaningless things frustrate;
Unveil these eyes, allow me to see that
Further distractions will soon captivate.

Distracted and fruitless be not my fate;
Nothing to do, but always too busy,
Be not fooled, time will not remain await.

This way a helpless struggle to vacate,
Trying to stray from faults of history;
Further distractions will soon captivate.

Struggling to be rid of this excess weight
And know where life does so furtively flee.
Be not fooled, time will not remain await.

My mind says no, but my heart wills debate,
Fighting unceasingly till it is free;
Further distractions will soon captivate,
Be not fooled, time will not remain await.