Life.

Sometimes I have moments where I suddenly realize I basically have no idea what I'm doing with my life. My dreams and aspirations seem to change with each new day and mood I am in. I dream of everything from journalism to counseling to traveling the world to teaching to creating art, and more. I've switched my major more times than I even remember, and the weird thing is that I've actually enjoyed every one of them. I feel like I've had so many unique experiences, jobs, and opportunities, but they are scattered out over a broad range of subjects. Sometimes I love this fact, and other times I think "Where is this going?" I only have one year left of my undergraduate studies, and that freaks me out a little. But I guess that's all part of life, right?

A clip from Graham Swifts's novel Last Orders:

"He says, 'What do you want to be, Vince? What are you going to be?...What I mean is, what do you want to do?' He smiles, like he don't mean no harm really. 'What job do you want to do?'

And I see them all hanging up before me, like clothes on a rack, all the jobs, tinker, tailor, soldier, and you have to pick one and then you have to pretend for the rest of your life that that's what you are."

When I grow up, I want to:

1) Have a garden with vegetables, fruit trees, berries, herbs, and lots of pretty flowers.
2) Have a cute little pug
3) Cook a lot
4) Go on walks with someone special
5) Travel. Everywhere.
6) Learn to play the piano better
7) Give.
8) Always have flowers in the house
9) Drink lots of tea
10) Sit on the beach and talk with God
11) Have a fish tank with a school of tiny, bright blue fish
12) Write handwritten letters to people I love
13) Write more in general
14) Still be best friends with my sister
15) Visit people I care about as often as possible
16) See and talk with my parents often
17) Have lots of kids
18) Love art even more passionately than I do now
19) And more...

Call on me, Oh Lord

Nearly every young Christian I know struggles with this question: What is God's calling for my life?

This is a continuous struggle and question in my life.

Today I listened to a young girl, barely older than myself, give this wise advice:

She said that people had always told her that she was great with kids and would make a wonderful teacher. She adores kids. She finds joy in them. She questioned whether becoming a teacher was God's calling on her life or if it was just something that she was making out to be His calling because people had always told her she was good at it.

She realizes now that God's calling is something inside of us, some small part that we simply cannot ignore.  God's calling on our life brings joy/blessings to both ourselves and others. Do not let the enemy convince you that it is just something you have made up in your head. Follow God, and listen to his calling.

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Lord, let me be aware of your soft voice speaking in my life. Let me discover this beautiful calling you have on my life and follow it passionately.

Comfort.

God has been speaking to me a lot about comfort lately. I am strongly considering changing my major from Applied Health (with an Art minor) to Sociology (with an Art and English minor). It is all so strange and sudden to me. Had you asked me even a month ago if I would ever consider changing my major from Applied Health, I would have confidently answered no. Yet, here I am, merely weeks later, with a head full of questions and doubts. God tends to work this way in my life. Just when I think I have my life all figured out, God comes and turns all my plans upside down.

The main reason I am strongly considering switching my major from Applied Health to Sociology has a lot to do with comfort. Even more specifically, it has to do with the dangers of comfort. The medical field has always been the "easy" way out for me. Sometimes I almost feel as if I chose to pursue the medical field simply because of things people told me growing up, or because my mother is in that field of work. It would be the comfortable route for me to take in life. But that is not at all what I want. Looking back on my life, I now realize the greatest times, and the times I felt most alive in God, have been when I was pushed out of my comfort zone. High Sierra is a perfect example of this. I could not have been more out of my comfort zone in that situation, and yet, that semester was probably the four best months of my life.

Comfort is such a deceptive and dangerous thing. In America, comfort is looked at as something positive, something desired. Yet, it is so easy to turn to the wrong things for comfort. Many people turn to money, material possessions, bodily safety, or job security as "comforting." We are deceived! Jobs can be lost, material possessions can be taken, our bodies are so fragile. There is no safety found in any of these things. Safety is truly found in God alone. Nothing else lasts, nothing else matters. We must stop deceiving ourselves.

So, back to my major. I do not want to choose the "safe" route in life! I want to travel. I want to follow God to the ends of the earth. I want to use my life in the absolute most effective way for Christ's kingdom. I love people and I love serving. It is while I serve others that I feel most alive, as if I am truly doing what God has called me to do. I love hearing about people's lives, the experiences they've had and the things they've gone through. There is so much oppression and injustice in this world. I am certain there is so much more than I am even aware of. It is painful for me to think about. I want to change this. As much as my one little life possibly can, I want to fight social injustices and help those who are hurting, alone, oppressed. What does this mean? What does this look like? Honestly, I have no idea. All I know is I want to serve and love as Jesus did. I want to see the world and the different people, cultures, and places God has created.

Yet, a part of me is absolutely terrified to switch majors. I do not even really know why. College majors are so overrated. And I am not even very attached to Applied Health. Don't get me wrong, I like the science classes I am taking. I think I am scared that people will be disappointed in me. I fear they will simply think I am switching from a major where I am guaranteed a good, well-paying job to one where there is no stability or guarantees. Yet, that is the beauty of it for me! I know God will take care of me. Money is not something I need to worry about. I do not want to choose a major simply for monetary or security reasons. I want to choose a major because it is the place where I will learn most, grow, and best serve God.

So, Sociology? Applied Health? I honestly do not know. But there is something beautiful about not knowing. It pushes me to go to God more, to rely solely on Him. So God, it is up to you. Lead me where you will have me. Help me to take risks! I do not want to get stuck living a "comfortable" life. I want to LIVE.

Wish Upon a Dream

I have stumbled across another poem I wrote while studying at High Sierra last Spring. Although I have always been such a logical minded person, I have come to discover there lies a dreamer within me. This poem is but a glimpse of this dreamer inside.


Standing in this vast and opportune world,
My mind ponders past hopes and future dreams
Wondering where my life will next be hurled,
And knowing what results is what God deems.
I look up and wish upon a lone star,
Asking for a life of love, beauty, joy;
More than the stars in the glorious sky
The dreams in my young and hopeful heart are,
Some live exposed while others remain coy,
And yet their presence I cannot deny.

Dreams both vast and small lay amidst my soul,
In hope of emerging and coming true;
Oh, beautiful, boundless dreams to console
And comfort victims in need of rescue,
To dance among flowers of the meadows
And to freely sing the tune of my heart,
To fill a dark world with laughter and love
And shoot the scorned with Cupid’s sharp arrows,
To speak the unspeakable through my art
And bring true delight to the King above.

Only through Him can these dreams be achieved,
And only through grace will this hope remain;
Will my heart’s desires soon be relieved?
And which dreams will I lose or retain
Here in a life that seems but a moment?
And so now I will continue twirling
Down the path that is narrow and straight
Grasping hope of dreams fulfilled, being patient
At this stage of not reaping, but sowing;
As for now, in this heart my dreams shall wait.